Where Do You Go When You’re Feeling Directionless?

Everyday I scroll across articles on social media sites that tell me where I should be in regards to the timeline of my life. The problem is, they rarely ever agree.

“Have a child at this age.” “NO-have a child at this age.” “Single people are happier.” “NO-married people are happier.” “Spending time with your friends is most important for your health.” “Spending time with your spouse is most important for your health.” “Spending time with your dog is most important for your health.”

To come across these articles at different times is confusing to say the least. Sometimes I’ll read an article that makes me feel confident and secure in my choices. I’m in my late-twenties. I am single, I don’t have children, I do have the greatest dog in the world, I’m working a job that may not necessarily be a career, but has great insurance benefits, and I’m relatively happy most of the time. Any unhappiness I experience isn’t from loneliness, for which I feel lucky, but rather a sense of meaninglessness. Mundaneness.

You know that scene in “The Bell Jar” where Esther speaks of a fig tree and it’s branches in front of her, each fig representing a different possible path for her life to take? But in the time it takes for her to choose which to reach for the figs shrivel and die leaving her with less and less to choose from? That’s what I feel. That’s what causes anxiety and sadness and all of those other things that send me into a “turtles all the way down” kinda spiral.

Recently, I went on a date with a man that I thought went pretty well. During our conversation I made my typical joke. I told him I only wanted to date men who would be useful zombie apocalypse partners. He took that in stride and recited his resume to me. Turned out I had hit the apocalypse jackpot. Not only was this guy cute, but he was resourceful and smart. He was a Veteran who taught outdoor recreation classes who would definitely be able to navigate, protect, and provide for a group during any impending worldly crisis. I was in awe. After his spiel, he turned to me and asked what I could bring to the table. I couldn’t think of a single thing. I had never been camping without a sufficient amount of real food, blankets, and electronic gear to take care of any inconvenience that could pop up. I couldn’t start fire with sticks or run particularly fast. I cower whenever I see anything remotely gory, so hunting and fishing were out. He was kind in the wake of my weak answer and stated that we would find out what exactly I could offer. After the date I never heard from him again.

After situations like that, I begin to reflect on all of the social media hubbub that says I should be married by my age. That says I should be on my third child. That says I should be well on my way to the top of my career path. That I should have a specific amount of money saved up and that I should be able to say I’ve traveled to so many countries and that I’ve acquired so many skills. It’s stifling. I panic. I lay in bed for days and don’t see the point of getting up. Why bother when the zombies are destined to feast on my brains?

Growing up, I did everything I was supposed to do academically. I graduated near the top of my class in high school, got into a good college, graduated a year early with my BA in psychology, took some time to work, went back for my graduate degree in English. But I can’t tell you what the plan was behind any of that. Other than to please my parents, I can’t tell you why I went through those steps, why I bothered. People often talk about “flow.” Finding “flow” in an activity means you become so engrossed in what you’re doing that everything floats away from you. It sounds so blissful and I strive to experience it every day. I can’t tell you one time I have.

I know I’m young yet, but sometimes I feel I should have everything more together than I do. Contrarily, sometimes I feel as if I have it so totally together that I’m ruling this world. Right now I’m in a lull. I know I’ll find my footing again, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

Where do you go when you’re feeling directionless?

*As a single, straight, cis, white woman, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the privilege I carry around with me on a daily basis. What I write here will only touch on the surface of the directionlessness that others may feel. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you’re in need of a shoulder to lean on or if you feel I’ve missed big marks here.*